it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
