you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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