Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
