no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
