My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
