i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
