he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
