A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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