Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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