I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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