his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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