I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
