Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
