My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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