I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
