So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i wish my penis had a tongue
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
