how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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