Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
