Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
