I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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