So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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