The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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