New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
