Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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