Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
