a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
