Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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