Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
