so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
