I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
