Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
