she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
