Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize