i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
