How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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