My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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