I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize