i was born a porn star she said
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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