I think my fart just growled at me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
