Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
