You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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