You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
