just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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