pedialite and red bull = repair kit
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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