i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
