your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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