Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
