there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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