go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
