the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
