omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
