She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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