I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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