There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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