the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
